Pius Adesanmi: The Degoatification of Nigeria

The good news is that the degoatification of Nigeria, as slow and imperfect as it is, is on course.

Many a goat has discovered that yam was delicious and easy to swallow because Nigeria had a leader who was always ready to supply the palm oil with which yams are eaten. In the Buhari dispensation, goats are discovering that when a leader withdraws palm oil and cold soothing water, swallowing yams is not an easy proposition for the throat.

It is difficult to monitor all the rot revelations seeping out like purulent puss from every orifice of the Nigerian body politic. Senator David Mark, I hear, has come to the attention of the EFCC on matters miscellaneous over yam accruals.

Whenever Baba Buhari moves us beyond this current phase of anti-corruption warfare by body language and televised gragra invitation of goats by the anti-corruption agencies and we actually begin to arrest and file charges against these people, prosecuting them to the full extent of the law, I will pray and hope that this process leads Senator David Mark to jail in Gashua or kirikiri.

Senator David Mark is a Catholic faithful like me. We, Nigerian Catholics, shall not disown him. He is our son. We shall give him a Holy Rosary to hang in his prison cell. Anytime I’m in Nigeria, I will visit him in prison and recite the Act of Contrition with him. And I trust Bishop Kukah to visit him from time to time while he does his time.

Again, beyond televised gragra invitation, I eagerly anticipate due process and legal prosecutorial follow-up on Mrs Saraki’s case. She has nothing to be afraid of. To my knowledge, Senator Dino Melaye has not announced his resignation from body guard and bouncer duties.

There is Lamido and Sons Goats Inc. We need to know what is happening on that front. When shall we arrive at arrests and prosecution? Femi Otedola’s dollars are still symbolically resident inside Honorable Farouk Lawan’s cap. Until we find a cell close to Senator David Mark’s cell for Farouk Lawan, that particular degoatification process will not be complete. And in this era of change, we must also return to the culpability of the hand that offers a bribe. What happens to Otedola?

I have just cited a few random cases out of hundreds of thousands of cases to remind Baba Buhari that time dey go and “a o r’ojo mu so l’okun” at all.

To be clear: I am impatient and I want more than body language and gragra EFCC invitations. But I am immensely pleased that we have started this war and sent a clear message to goats that there are consequences for yam pilfering.

If you are a Nigerian and you are whining about this anti-corruption war and your criticism is not about pace or methodology but that we started it at all or that the war is roaring towards your own ethnic, religious, or political sacred cow, then go to… I don’t even know where to send you. Between “go and die” and “go to hell”, Governors Oshiomhole and Al Makura have exhausted the destinations I could send you to!

Ah, yes, go and kpeme! Nobody has said that one yet. If you oppose this anti-corruption war, go and kpeme!

The gradual degoatification of Nigeria is not all about the conquest and pacification of the goats among us. It is not all a story of yams. There is also the gradual beginnings of an ethical and moral degoatification. Governor Al Makura is finding out that being an irresponsible governor in your relationship with the ordinary citizens of this country has a price.

We are still an overwhelmingly obsequious people in relation to the irresponsible people we have in power. But, gradually, ethical degoatification is producing a citizen who now understands that an irresponsible governor’s convoy has no right to bully him or her off the road. Ethical degoatification is producing a citizen who understands the fact that somebody being a Governor or a Senator or a Minister does not make him or her a super citizen, superior to the rest of us.

You are a Governor? And so freaking what?

Ethical degoatification is why a 65-year-old pensioner and his wife were arrested for writing exams for their children in Benin city. I am afraid you are in no position to read about this story and cast stones.

Those parents are us. That is the society we have become. That is the world we have produced. The right of the corrupt politician to destroy Nigeria stops only where the right of the Nigerian people to wreck the country begins.

Don’t cast any stones. Those parents are not the exception to the rule. They are the rule. However, that they were arrested and the story got to the level of arraignment in Nigeria is worthy of celebration.

Parents whose low moral and ethical stock does not preclude impersonating writing exams for their kids would certainly have attempted to bribe police. Some degree of ethical degoatification must have happened to make the police not bury this case.

Then there is the case of the goat who forgot that we are no longer in the era of goats and yams and traveled to Saudi Arabia on an official passport despite President Buhari’s clear instruction to put an end to indiscriminate and illegal use of official passports.

That goat is now in Saudi detention.

As ileya approaches, the family and loved ones of that lawbreaking goat back in Nigeria should have only one prayer:

May the Saudis not suffer scarcity of rams which could lead to the use of goats for the approaching festival.